The Difficulties of Summer #2

Mountain biking is the summer sport of choice for most of my friends in Colorado, so although I never quite got it (it seems like a lot of work, right?) I decided that this summer would be the summer I actually figure out how to not suck at it.  This is partly because it looks like it could be sort of fun, and partly because my boyfriend kept suggesting we sell my mountain bike for spare cash since I never used it. 

Anyway, since I’ve learned the hard way, I thought I’d share with you some of the pitfalls of learning to mountain bike.

Lesson #2:  How to avoid staring at spandex-encased crotches.

What? This is a serious problem!  Those of you with superior self control or multitasking skills can skip this lesson.  For the rest of us, some coping mechanisms may be in order. 

My problem is that my eyes, when left unattended have a tendency to wander off and do their own thing.  This means that if I try focus on something else for a moment, for instance, listening to what spandex boy is saying to me, my eyes think they have free license to look at whatever seems interesting.  This isn’t much of an issue when snowboarding, but with sports involving spandex it leads to some awkwardness.

Luckily, as a snowboarder, you may not have to directly interact with the crotches of spandex-loving mountain bikers when you first get started.  Most of my snowboard friends prefer to carry their skate style through into their mountain biking attire… thank god.  However, it seems that you cannot forever avoid the spandex.  Whether it’s a coworker who’s leaving for a ride, some guy on the trail, or maybe even one of those tight pants wearing snowboarders who has discovered that they like more “supportive” attire year round, eventually you’ll end up standing face to face with one of them.

So, I’ve come up with the following tips to help avoid the eye-crotch contact.
1. When stopped for a break, point at something in the distance, like a trail, and ask a question about it.  This will hopefully cause both of you to turn and the crotch will be safely in your peripheral vision.
2. If you find yourself staring, try not to dart your eyes between his crotch and his face, as this will draw attention to your lack of self control.  Instead, pretend to be interested in something in that general region, for instance, by asking him about the company that makes his shorts.
3. If someone approaches you on the trail, fake like you’re fiddling with your bike as you greet them.  You may be able to avoid eye-crotch contact altogether.
4. If all else fails, pretend to be listening and nod politely while repeating “don’t look at his crotch” silently to yourself at regular intervals.  This can be effective, but may cause you to accidentally agree to things that you don’t actually agree to.

Posted by Kelly Vance on 08/05