The Difficulties of Summer #1

Mountain biking is the summer sport of choice for most of my friends in Colorado, so although I never quite got it (it seems like a lot of work, right?) I decided that this summer would be the summer I actually figure out how to not suck at it.  This is partly because it looks like it could be sort of fun, and partly because my boyfriend kept suggesting we sell my mountain bike for spare cash since I never used it. 

Anyway, since I’ve learned the hard way, I thought I’d share with you some of the pitfalls of learning to mountain bike.

Lesson #1:  Don’t have a fat ass.

Okay, I know this may seem obvious to the rest of you, but I was rather surprised at how my junk-in-the-trunk got in the way of my mountain biking.

I first realized it might be an issue when I was standing on the side of the road ready to faint from exhaustion, and my boyfriend Eric rode up and told me he was sorry we didn’t have time to get much of a workout in.  What kind of a thing is that to say to a girl who is clearly drenched in sweat and having an asthma attack? 

Also, the hills seem to have gotten quite a bit steeper since the last time I went up them on my splitboard.  I’m not sure how this happened, surely I would have noticed a 45 degree incline while skinning?  What? You don’t think it was 45 degrees?  Well, either way, they feel mega steep while hauling my extra chub up there on a bike.  And on the way downhill, I’m not convinced that my tires on the loose dirt will fully support my weight when I try to stop.  I mean, look how small the surface are of rubber is that’s actually touching the ground.  I don’t really have any evidence that this is an issue, but I’m hesitant to really put it to the test.  The consequences of not stopping seem rather more bruisy and bloody than if I were to not stop on my snowboard.

My ass is also problematic for balance, especially when climbing hills, where it acts as a great big counterweight out over the back tire.  This means that when I try to lift my front tire up a bit to get over a tree root or rock, it pops up too easily, and sends me lurching off the back of my bike.  You’d think once this happened 3 or 4 times I might catch on and do something else, but apparently not.  It also might be effecting my side-to-side balance.  Or at least, that’s what I say when I feel the need to get off my bike and push it over scary bridges.

The upside? Mountain biking seems to be helping my ass get skinnier - and from the looks of hardcore mountain bikers, could eventually turn it into solid muscle.  You know, if I ever get good enough to actually not get stuck or fall off every 10 minutes.

I also have to resign myself to never being mistaken for a hardcore mountain biker - I can’t find any mountain biking shorts that fit right, and therefore usually ride in a pair of stretch capris from Old Navy.  I think this may be the mountain biking equivalent to snowboarding in nylon athletic pants because you think they’re sort of made of the same material as snowpants.  Plus,  I probably squeal a bit too much to seem like I know what I’m doing, and I don’t have nearly enough solid muscle body parts.  Current Solid Muscle Body Part Count = 0, but I’ll keep you updated.  I’m convinced my left foot is well on it’s way to becoming solid muscle.  To make matters worse, my bike costs significantly less than my car, which I think is the mountain biking equivalent to riding a plastic snowboard you bought from Walmart.  And, the real kicker, I don’t have those fancy shoes & pedals that work like step-in bindings - I don’t even know what they’re called. Better go Google that, before some mountain biker catches me not knowing what they’re called and calls me a gaper.

Posted by Kelly Vance on 07/29