Survival in the Arctic Tundra: Shredology Part 2
This is part two of my scientific study of ski town residents. Check out further classifications here: Shredology Part 1
Weekander Chargist: They come from the fringes of civilization that permeate all ski towns. These are the drivers of the mighty Hummer Carriages that unload in parking lots across the artic tundra of ski lands. They arrive before the sun has crested the beautiful mountainous landscape and will ride till the last bull wheel is turning. The danger of upsetting them is ever-present, as they are focused on getting in as many runs as they can before returning to the civilized world. When communicating with them speak rapidly and about topics that they know nothing about but will agree upon. Watch out for the younglings of this breed, as they are little ski bullets on the hill that dare you to run the People Gauntlet of Doom!
Grapera Smugulis: The name originates from the spandex uni-tard that that these skiers use while sliding at break neck speeds. The unitard usually leads to a display of the male Moose Knuckle or Female Camel Toe. These people always talk using kooky terms and tend to be kooks themselves. If they had their way die-hard ski racing would be the only snow sliding sport. They often travel in packs and suffer from herd mentality. While easily spotted they are harder to approach due to their constant need to fly down the hill.
Nuthugra Tightpantulus: This is cross breed of the Grapera Smugulis, Shrederaus Destroyerumypsy. Sometimes they can be seen traveling in a magical bus that permeates a skunk like smoke. While not prone to having great hygiene these people are all about finding enlightenment (usually at the bottom of a 30 pack of PBR and some Shrooms) and enjoying what the transient life has to offer. When approaching them keep a bottle of Febreeze handy to rid yourself of any stenches that might attach themselves to you.
Cougra Skankima: This breed commonly called the Cougar in the bar scene lurks in the shadows of finer resort town drinking establishments. If you have lived longer than 30 years on this planet you are safe from her wrath. But alas if you are of the younger generations you will be prime bait for her to exude her sexual prowess on you.
Signs that you have been mauled are:
She fed you a good breakfast
You were paid a small ransom to be her mountain “guide”
You find yourself driving a car that costs more than the house you live in
If approaching these well aged she beasts express caution as the claws can come out at a moments notice. They can sense fear and know the taste of blood well.
Enjoy the rants of Dee Stroyer? Check out his blog: http://www.angrysnowboarder.com/
Posted by Kelly Vance on 04/21
