Survival in the Arctic Tundra: Shredology

Dee Stroyer

Did you think Survival in the Artic Tundra was gone? Well, it has returned for more tales of stupidity and awesomeness. While I was on hiatus I was able to do a lot of resort town people watching and have decided to classify them by genus and species in the wild kingdom of shredology.

Gaperus Maximus: This person can be found just out of sight at every inopportune place on the mountain.  Most commonly observed in very outdated one pieces or jeans, they know how to make you laugh at their expense.  While not a true local, they are a staple of every resort.  When approaching them, be cautious as they generally lack the common sense to understand basic principals, like moguls are made of snow that melts and not stored in a giant warehouse somewhere.  They usually travel in packs and often use ski blades as their general mode of snow sliding.

Shrederaus Destroyerum:  These are the park rippers that have the most haggard gear on the hill but are always smiling.  When it comes time to dominate there is no fear in their eyes and they mark their territory well.  Generally seen with a dark goggle tan, they have many different wardrobe styles from Tall T’s to Tight Pants.  When approaching them, be sure you’ve been inoculated from OSD (Over Steez Disease).

Drinkalotus Pasoutus:  This is the resident local shred head that is known by many in the bar and party scene, but by few that actually shred.  His liver spots are generally as dark as the goggle tan on Shrederaus Destroyerum.  He is constantly seen passed out on the bus, sidewalk, bushes, gondola, couches, etc.. You could approach him but the intoxicating fumes that exude from his pores might knock you out.

Optimal Bragimus: This is the shredder that feels the urge to tell you about their latest endeavors, new gear, or pretty much any mundane part of their life.  While they might actually ride, they do it more for social status than as part of their life.  Generally they wander through life without a real purpose, leaping on the ideas of people they meet.  When approaching them be prepared to constantly be one-upped. 

While I have only touched on a few of the species that live in the mountains.  I will report back from the fringes of the Artic Tundra, but only if I survive.

Enjoy the rants of Dee Stroyer?  Check out his blog: http://www.angrysnowboarder.com/

Posted by Dee Stroyer on 04/14